Uptown Funk: The Bruno Mars HR Disciplinary

Notes from informal meeting with Bruno Mars, 22/01/15

Background: Following recent complaints from colleagues a meeting was arranged with Bruno (BM) to discuss his recent conduct, in particular his language regarding women.

Meeting commenced approx 9.30am

HR : Hi, Bruno, please come in and take a seat. Would you like a glass of water?

BM: What’s this about, I’m not really sure why I’m here.

HR: We’ve had some complaints about your language and your attitude towards women, we wanted to speak to you informally to help understand if there is a problem

BM: Um…

HR: For instance – and it would be good to get your take on this – apparently you said “Bitch, say my name you know who I am“?

BM: It wasn’t in work…

HR: Even so, can you understand how some of your colleagues may have found that offensive? And just to clarify, when you say that ‘it wasn’t in work’ I believe you were getting paid a sizeable commission and under supervision from your producer at the time

BM: Well…

HR: Moving on. Could you explain what you mean by “Girls hit your hallelujah“? I was unclear what that meant, but some people have obviously taken some offence to that. Also apparently you continually complain about the air conditioning saying that you are ‘so hot that dragons should retire man’? Do you have a thyroid issue?

BM: It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just, you know, a phrase. It’s a song. It’s not real.

HR: It seems unlikely that you would continue to repeat it whilst making an ‘ooooh’ noise if it didn’t mean anything? Could you tell us what you were thinking when you were urging girls to hit their hallelujah?

BM: Shouldn’t I be allowed a representative or something?

HR: We would rather keep this informal currently, but I’d love for you to put my mind at rest regarding the phrase “If you sexy than flaunt it”. I realise that it is a conditional statement, but I was wondering if you had reflected on how it would make the people in the organisation who aren’t sexy feel? And whether urging people to flaunt it might be encouraging them to break the dress code.

BM: I really hadn’t given it much thought. Is this conversation even legal?

HR: It’s just an informal chat at this time. On a separate note we would like to raise some concerns that have come to light regarding your conduct over the last 18 months that make us concerned about this being a patten of behaviour

BM: Like what

HR: Well, on a day where we believed you to be working you recorded The Lazy Song including the line “I’ll be lounging on the couch, Just chillin’ in my snuggie” which doesn’t incline us to have confidence we can trust you to work remotely. You were also heard to mention the word ‘Grenade’ in an office environment

BM: In fairness I said that I would take a grenade FOR someone, that can’t be seen as a threat

HR: Do you think it was sensible to mention grenades at all?

Bruno Mars stood up and left the room, slamming the door behind him approx 9.45, meeting closed.